SELF-AWARE LEADERSHIP

The Invisible Conversations
How Self-Regard and Ego States Shape
Mindset, Behaviour and Organisational Culture

1635 WORDS | 10-MIN READ | JULY 2026

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Quick Takeaways

If you only have a minute:

We all operate from three ego states: Parent, Adult and Child.
It's rarely the event that drives our behaviour—it's how we interpret the event.
Self-regard influences which ego state we access under pressure.
Healthy self-regard makes it easier to remain curious, objective and solution-focused.
Fragile self-regard often triggers defensiveness, blame, withdrawal or people-pleasing.
Leaders shape culture through the ego state they consistently model.
Psychological safety isn't created by policy; it's created through everyday interactions.
Before responding, ask yourself: "Who is speaking right now—my Parent, my Adult or my Child?"

ARTICLE START

One Meeting, Four Stories

Imagine this. A meeting lasts just thirty minutes, yet the four people attending walk away with four entirely different stories about what has just happened.

Sarah, the department manager, believes she has delivered clear and constructive feedback. She has acknowledged the team's progress, highlighted areas for improvement and reinforced expectations for the next quarter.

Tom returns to his desk feeling defeated. Every comment replays in his mind as criticism. Once again, he questions whether he is good enough for the role.

Emma leaves frustrated. To her, the discussion feels controlling.

"Why ask for ideas," she wonders, "if the decision has already been made?"

Meanwhile, David reviews his notes, identifies two actions he can improve and books time with Sarah to explore possible solutions.

Same meeting. Same words. Four completely different experiences.

Many leadership theories shed light on these differences through the lenses of personality, resilience and communication style. While each offers part of the answer, Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, offers another compelling perspective. It suggests that our behaviour is influenced not simply by what happens to us, but by the psychological state from which we interpret what is happening.

The most important conversations at work are often the ones nobody else can hear.

We All Bring Three People to Work

Transactional Analysis proposes that we all move between three ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. These are not personality types but patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that we access throughout the day.

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The Parent is the voice of experience. It carries the beliefs, values and behaviours we absorbed from parents, teachers and influential leaders. Sometimes it appears as the Nurturing Parent—encouraging, supportive and protective. At other times it becomes the Critical Parent— judgemental, controlling and quick to point out mistakes.

The Child represents our emotional responses. It is the source of creativity, spontaneity and curiosity, but also of fear, approval-seeking and defensiveness. The Free Child asks, "What if?" The Adapted Child asks, "What if I get it wrong?"

The Adult is our rational, present-focused self. It gathers evidence before reaching conclusions, separates facts from assumptions and responds thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally.

The goal is not to eliminate the Parent or the Child. As individuals, teams and organisations, we need standards, compassion, imagination and enthusiasm. The challenge is recognising which ego state is leading us in any given moment.

Why the Same Situation Produces Different Reactions

Imagine receiving an unexpected meeting invitation from your manager.

One person immediately thinks, I've done something wrong.

Another assumes, They're about to criticise my work.

A third becomes defensive before the meeting has even begun.

A fourth simply wonders, I wonder what this is about?

The event is identical. The mindset is not. This is where emotional intelligence and neuroscience deepen our understanding of Transactional Analysis.

Daniel Goleman identified self-awareness as the foundation of emotional intelligence. Neuroscience tells us that when we perceive social threat— criticism, exclusion or uncertainty—the brain activates protective responses similar to those triggered by physical danger: fight, flight or freeze. In those moments, curiosity narrows, emotions intensify and our capacity for balanced thinking diminishes.

In Transactional Analysis terms, the Adult quietly steps aside while either the Parent or Child takes control. But what determines whether that happens?

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human looking at his reflection, red, tan, mirror icon 2

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The Story We Tell Ourselves

Before any conversation becomes interpersonal, it is first intrapersonal. Before we respond to another person, we have already responded to ourselves. Each of us carries an internal narrative about who we are. Sometimes it says, "I'm capable." Sometimes it whispers, "I'm not enough." Sometimes it insists, "I have to prove myself." Sometimes it quietly warns, "If I make a mistake, people will discover I'm not as capable as they think."

These stories are rarely conscious, yet they shape how we interpret everyday events. The same feedback, the same meeting invitation or the same difficult conversation can trigger completely different responses—not because the event is different, but because the story we tell ourselves about the event is different.

It is this invisible conversation with ourselves that often determines which ego state steps forward.

The Missing Link: Self-Regard

Over many years of working with leaders, coaching individuals and teams, and seeking to understand human behaviour—including my own—I have become increasingly convinced that there is a missing link.

I believe that link is self-regard. I see Self-regard as the relationship we have with ourselves—our sense of inherent worth, our capacity to accept ourselves with honesty and compassion, and our belief that we remain valuable even when we fall short.

When self-regard is healthy, feedback is more likely to be experienced as information rather than judgement. Disagreement becomes discussion rather than conflict. Mistakes become opportunities to learn rather than evidence of failure.

When self-regard is fragile, the very same events can feel threatening. The Critical Parent may emerge through blame or control. The Child may withdraw, seek approval or become defensive.

The behaviour we observe is often the final chapter of a much longer internal story.

The Workplace Response Cycle

This can be understood through a simple model.

Event

↓

Interpretation

↓

Self-Regard

↓

Dominant Ego State
(Parent • Adult • Child)

↓

Mindset

↓

Behaviour

↓

Impact on Others

↓

Team Culture

Behaviour is rarely the starting point. Long before we speak, we have interpreted the situation, evaluated what it means about us and unconsciously selected the ego state from which we will respond. This is why culture is created one interaction at a time.

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Organisations Have Ego States Too

I often say to clients that culture isn't the statement on the corporate website. It's what happens when nobody is consciously thinking about culture. It's how people show up, how they speak to one another, what gets rewarded, what gets avoided and, over time, the behaviours that become accepted as normal. Culture is the collective memory of what it feels like to work here. Spend enough time inside an organisation and you begin to notice patterns.

Some organisations operate largely from the Critical Parent. Rules dominate. Mistakes are punished. People comply but stop taking thoughtful risks. Others resemble the Adapted Child. Employees wait for permission, avoid challenge and quietly disengage. Some embrace the Free Child, generating creativity and energy, yet occasionally lacking discipline or accountability.

The healthiest organisations cultivate what might be described as an Adult culture—one characterised by curiosity, accountability, evidence-based decision-making and mutual respect.

This aligns closely with Professor Amy Edmondson's work on psychological safety, which demonstrates that people contribute more, learn faster and innovate more readily when they feel safe to speak openly without fear of embarrassment or blame.

From Awareness to Action

Understanding ego states is not an invitation to analyse every conversation. It is an invitation to develop the self-awareness that allows us to pause before reacting. In that pause lies choice. And through choice, we become more intentional in how we lead ourselves and others.

For leaders, this matters because ego states are contagious. A leader who consistently operates from the Critical Parent often creates teams that respond from the Adapted Child. People become cautious, avoid difficult conversations and seek approval rather than taking ownership. Conversely, leaders who model Adult behaviours—curiosity, emotional regulation, thoughtful questioning and balanced decision-making—create environments where others are more likely to do the same.

Leaders can consciously strengthen this culture by:

Pausing before reacting and asking, "Am I responding from evidence or emotion?"
Replacing judgement with curiosity.
Giving feedback that challenges behaviour without diminishing the individual.
Modelling emotional regulation during difficult conversations.
Treating mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than occasions for blame.
Creating psychologically safe environments where respectful challenge is welcomed.
Recognising that confidence grows through trust, autonomy and meaningful recognition—not simply through performance management.

These are not soft skills as we usually term them. They are culture-building capabilities.

Final Reflection

We often describe organisational culture as "the way we do things around here." Perhaps a more useful definition is this:

Culture is the collective outcome of thousands of daily transactions between people, each shaped by the ego state from which they choose to respond.

The Parent brings wisdom and standards. The Child brings creativity and humanity. The Adult brings perspective and choice.

Organisations spend a great deal of time teaching communication skills before self-awareness, teaching feedback before self-regulation and teaching influence before identity. Yet every leadership behaviour emerges from the relationship we have with ourselves.

If that relationship is built on fear, control or the need for approval, those patterns inevitably appear in how we lead others. If it is grounded in healthy self-regard, curiosity and emotional security, leadership becomes less about managing behaviour and more about creating the conditions in which people can thrive.

Perhaps the greatest work of leadership is not learning how to influence others. It is learning how to lead ourselves first. Because before every conversation we have with others, there is another conversation taking place within ourselves.

And perhaps the most important leadership question we can ask is not:

"How do I change other people's behaviour?"

But simply:

"Who is speaking through me right now?"

ARTICLE END